Ego and dreaming

So, went running on my own this morning, having had a bit of a chill on my stomach last night and therefore chose to miss running with the club. Did a steady 5.5 miles at just over a 9 min mile pace, which for me is good, although it was pretty cold and miserable and I really was not enjoying it at all! I found it hard work, a struggle, and although I was trying to push myself, it just didn't feel it was happening. In fact this week, I've been running shorter distances in order to try to work on my speed, as I feel pretty pathetic really when running with others. I think I need to do more of this in order to improve, as looking back over the past few months, there is not really a big improvement in my performances.

Which brings me to the question, why does it matter to me how quick I go? I started running in order to raise money for charity and get fitter: both things I've achieved. So why does it matter so much to me? 

The answer is ego. There is something inside me which reacts to other people being better than me. So when others' talk about how quick they've run, or how far, I immediately look at my own performances and think how rubbish I am, or I resent their success. As C S Lewis wrote:

"Pride is essentially competitive—is competitive by its very nature..... Pride gets no pleasure out of having something..... It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest."

Now, I don't want to be like this.... I want to be the sort of person who takes pleasure in other people's achievements, encourages others and spurs them on to achieve more, not someone who begrudges them, or who is so focused on myself that I fail to acknowledge their successes. In short, I want to be like the people who have encouraged me in my running, who have been so generous to me in so many different ways! Besides, I really do know by now that if I compare myself to others and their running, I will more often than not come out 2nd best!

So should I just give up trying to get better, quicker? I don't think so! To quote C S Lewis again:

"You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream."

It's good to have challenges, goals, dreams! I need new challenges to keep me going: even if I fail, it will be fun trying. But I guess the key is keeping it personal, not relating my goals to others' achievements: keeping it real for me, not thinking I can run like some 20 year old sprinter. Oh yes, and celebrating others' achievements with them, not resenting their success.

Along the River Cam

And I do have (running) challenges in mind for next year, a whole series of them..... perhaps the biggest one being a 16.5 mile run between Ely and Cambridge in March. I thought long and hard about this, but I was drawn to the fact that it was flat (!), that it was a trail run (not something I've done before), it was 16.5 miles (so much longer than anything I've done before), and it seems to be a really beautiful area. It will really give me something to aim for in training, and a bit like the Brum Half, I'm sort of excited by the thought of running it, as well as terrified! For this, I really won't be fussed about the time.... just that I finish! Roll on March.